Who's Your Game Console Valentine?
This Valentine’s Day, we here at the Media Boat Podcast hope you’re celebrating with someone you love. If not, we hope you’re kicking someone’s ass in your favorite video game. What love is more pure than the love between a gamer and their console, handheld, or PC? They’ll never leave you, unless you’re unemployed and you need to sell them to Gamestop for eighty dollars in store credit. They’re there for your highs (platinum trophies!) and for your lows (you’ve died to this Bloodborne boss how many times?!). But folks, not all video game consoles are created equal. Some make better partners than others. It’s time to find out which are generous lovers and which would butt-stomp your heart.
Super Nintendo Entertainment System
The SNES knows he’s the greatest of all time. This cockiness is his downfall. He likes to brag about his performance, and then you see footage of Super Mario World, and you’re like “That’s it? That’s only marginally better than the one I saw last year, except this one is bigger and rotates a little!” The truth is, he’s a grower, not a shower. Right before you’ll break up, he’ll show off and say “I do 3D graphics now!” and you’ll be wistfully looking at a PlayStation, thinking “Actually, I’ve moved on.”
playstation 2
He may be tall, dark, and handsome, but PlayStation 2 is also deep. PS2 can give you everything— the entire open world. Want lengthy, meaty RPGs? Weird, kinky, experimental stuff from Japan? PlayStation 2 will take care of your needs and then put on a DVD after you’re done.
nintendo ds
The DS is smart. Like, if game consoles could have PHDs, she’s got three of them. Her cousin 3DS might be more attractive, but DS is the whole package. She has so many hobbies! Ask her about her dogs, or how she does sudoku every morning. Plus, she’s portable! She’s there whenever you need her. She doesn’t even mind being poked or prodded in the right places, if you know what I mean. Touching is good.
xbox 360
Stay away from the Xbox 360, for the love of god. He’s built to break down completely at any moment. He seems great from a distance, let me tell you: He’s social, has an impressive body, feels comfortable in your hands. But if he gets too heated, he will turn red. You will need to get rid of him immediately. You could just replace him with another, similar guy, but trust me, that one will do the same thing. Oh, and if he ever asks if it’s cool to bring in a camera, saying “your body is the controller,” run far, far away.
playstation 5
Don’t let the family lineage fool you; PlayStation 5 is nothing like her older brother PS2. She’s more powerful. She’s dressed to kill. No really, watch her pointy edges, you could get seriously harmed. Her secret, however, is that her appearance is all a facade. She’s really unsure of herself. She knows her menus could use some work. She knows she should be better at all this online multiplayer stuff, especially after all this time. But spend enough time to get to know PlayStation 5, and you’ll find out her GPU is in the right place. She might even let you insert an extra SSD, if you’re lucky.
steam deck
Steam Deck is the industry’s new it girl, and she knows she’s hot stuff. I mean, it’s right there in the name! She’s everywhere! The other girls are trying so hard lately to be like her. She’s a little demanding, and you might have to make an effort to fit her into your lifestyle, but once she’s yours, you’ll find all of your favorite experiences waiting for you. It’s like she can read your mind! Maybe don’t make fun of her because she’s running Linux, though. She’s very sensitive about that.